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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29310453">Who's Your Daddy?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hummingbird1759/pseuds/Hummingbird1759'>Hummingbird1759</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Voyager</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Episode: s02e26 Basics Part 1, F/M, Humor, Not really please don't sue, Out of Character, Parody, Paternity Tests, Robbie &amp; Garrett made me do it, The Delta Flyers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:35:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,327</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29310453</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hummingbird1759/pseuds/Hummingbird1759</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Seska needs to prove who her baby's father is, so she gets a little help from a TV talk show. Rated T for profanity.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Seska (Star Trek), Culluh/Seska (Star Trek), Tom/Harry if you squint</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Who's Your Daddy?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I was going to hold off on posting this until April Fool's, but when I saw that The Delta Flyers will be doing Basics Part 1 next week, I thought, why wait?</p><p>My husband challenged me to write this story.  If it sucks, blame him. ;)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The talk show host, a white man in his seventies with brown hair, walked onstage to cheers and applause and sat in the chair next to Seska, a young woman with light brown hair, fair skin, and blue eyes.  He motioned for the audience to quiet down and then said, “Welcome to the show, everybody!  We’re here today with Seska, who says that her ex-boyfriend, Chakotay, is the father of her six-month-old, son, Bron.”</p><p>The crowd applauded and cooed as a photo of Bron went up on the monitor behind Seska.  The boy had brown hair, large brown eyes, fair skin, and a curious expression on his face.</p><p>“And here they are, Chakotay and his new girlfriend, Kathryn!”  They walked out onstage holding hands as boos and screams thundered from the audience and shared a smug kiss before sitting down.</p><p>The host said, “So Chakotay, you and Kathryn think Seska’s baby isn’t yours?”</p><p>“Hell no,” Kathryn growled.</p><p>“Doubt it,” Chakotay shrugged.</p><p>“And what makes you say this?”</p><p>“Seska went away for three months, came back and told us she’s pregnant, and now she expects us to believe it’s Chakotay’s?  Gimme a fucking break!” Kathryn snarled.</p><p>Seska leapt to her feet and pointed an accusatory finger at Kathryn.  “You’re just jealous because you know he gave me something you’ll never have!  You’re a dried-up old hag and you’ll never have a baby!”</p><p>Kathryn folded her arms and deadpanned, “Nope, I sure won’t.  Die mad about it.”</p><p>"Ooh!"  The audience jeered.</p><p>The host turned to Chakotay and asked, “And Chakotay, if this baby is yours, will you be a part of his life?”</p><p>“Of course.  Real men take responsibility,” he replied, and the crowd applauded wildly.</p><p>The host continued, “Now there’s someone else we have to meet, and that’s Seska’s new boyfriend, Culluh.  Culluh, come on out!”</p><p>Culluh, a tall man with a buzzcut and wearing camouflage head-to-toe, swaggered out on stage to a chorus of boos and sat down next to Seska.</p><p>The host turned to him and asked, “Culluh, you think that Seska’s baby is yours, correct?”</p><p>Culluh smirked triumphantly. “That’s right.  He’s a strong warrior, not like that creampuff.  He’s definitely mine.”</p><p>“Oh no you di’int!”  Kathryn hollered, and jumped up to point a finger at Culluh.  Culluh stomped up to loom over her and they both started shouting obscenities.  Chakotay stepped up between them as the security team yanked Kathryn and Culluh away from each other and shoved them into their respective chairs.</p><p>“We have some other people we need to meet.  Tom and Harry, come on out!”</p><p>Tom and Harry walked out on stage to a cacophony of shouts from the audience and sat down next to Culluh.</p><p>“Don’t know why we have to check the husbands,” Culluh grumbled.</p><p>“What?  We’re not a couple!” Harry protested.</p><p>“Nope.  Just bros,” Tom said with an easy grin.</p><p>“Uh huh,” Chakotay, Kathryn, Seska, and Culluh scoffed in unison.</p><p>“Oooooh!”  The audience whooped.</p><p>The host asked, “So, Tom, Harry, do either of you think you’re Bron’s father?”</p><p>“Hell no,” Tom replied, arms crossed.</p><p>“Nope,” Harry said confidently.</p><p>“And what makes you say that?” The host inquired.</p><p>Tom snorted, “Just look at the little dude.  He doesn’t look anything like me!  If he was mine, he’d have blue eyes!”</p><p>Seska pointed a finger at Tom and shouted, “Blue eyes are a recessive gene, Tom!  That doesn’t mean anything!”</p><p>The crowd jeered as Tom rolled his eyes at her.  “Yeah, a recessive gene he’d have also gotten from you!”</p><p>Harry interjected, “He doesn’t look a damn thing like me, either!”</p><p>The crowd hooted, “Ooooh!”</p><p>Seska hollered, “He does so!  He has your nose, Harry!”</p><p>The crowd roared with glee, and the first few rows of people leapt to their feet.</p><p>Harry jumped up and yelled, “Bullshit!  He’s not mine and you know it!”</p><p>Seska tore over to him and said, “You need to be a man!   He’s yours!  Grow up!”</p><p>Harry and Seska lunged for each other, but security pulled them apart and dragged them back to their seats.  The audience went wild, cheering and shrieking.</p><p>The host interjected, “There’s another person we have to meet.  Neelix, come on out!”</p><p>A punk rocker with a red mohawk and tattoos on all visible parts of his body strutted out on stage as the crowd booed and hissed.  He flopped down next to Harry, a defiant smirk on his face.</p><p>“Neelix, do you think Bron is yours?”</p><p>“Fuck no.”</p><p>“You’re lying, Neelix!”  Seska hollered.  “You know he’s yours!  Look at his hair!”</p><p>Neelix shouted, “I dye my hair, you dumb bitch!”</p><p>The host broke in with, “Okay, okay, settle down!  We have another person we need to meet, and that’s Doctor Joe.”</p><p>A middle-aged, balding man walked out and calmly sat down next to Neelix.  “Hello, everyone.”</p><p>“Doctor Joe, do you think Bron is your son?”</p><p>“Given Seska’s diverse sexual history, I think it’s highly unlikely.”</p><p>The host shrugged.  “Can’t say that I disagree.  Okay, everyone, we have one last person to meet: Tuvok, come on out!”</p><p>Tuvok swaggered out in baggy jeans, Timberland boots, and an Oakland Raiders jersey.  “What up what up?” He said as he eased onto the chair next to Doctor Joe.</p><p>The host asked, “Tuvok, thanks for coming on the show.  Do you think Bron is your son?”</p><p>Tuvok scoffed, “Hell no, man.  I don’t even know why I’m here.  Does that kid look black to any of y’all?”</p><p>Seska yelled, “Your sister’s an albino, Tuvok!  He got the albino gene from you!”</p><p>“Whatever!  You’re just trying to get child support from me since my new album’s blowing up,” Tuvok sneered.</p><p>The audience roared with delight.</p><p>“That’s a lie!” Seska screamed, bolting from her chair.  Security restrained her as she yelled, “I loved you!”</p><p>“Uh huh,” everyone else snarked in unison.</p><p>The host crowed, “All right!  Is everyone ready to find out the results?”</p><p>The crowd yelled their approval, and the guests gave a chorus of, “Yes.”</p><p>An assistant handed the host a manila envelope.  He put on his reading glasses, opened the envelope and said, “In the case of six-month-old Bron…. Chakotay, you are NOT the father!”</p><p>“YES!”  Chakotay shouted, and did cartwheels off the stage as the audience howled with laughter.</p><p>“I knew it, bitch!”  Kathryn hooted, and danced off the stage as well, high-fiving audience members as she went.</p><p>Next, the host turned to Culluh.  “In the case of six-month-old Bron, Culluh… you are NOT the father!”</p><p>Culluh flew into a rage.  “WHAT?!?  You skank!  I hate you!  I never want to see you or your brat ever again!”  He continued cursing wildly as security hauled him off the stage.  Seska began sobbing.</p><p>The host pulled another sheet of paper out of the envelope. “Tom… you are NOT the father!”</p><p>Tom jumped up and roared triumphantly, “HA!  I told you so!”</p><p>“Harry… you are NOT the father!”</p><p>“IN YOUR FACE!!!”  Harry hollered, and he and Tom high-fived before skipping offstage.</p><p>“Neelix… you are NOT the father!”</p><p>Neelix yelled, “Damn right, I’m not!  See you in hell, bitch!” He then gave Seska and the audience both middle fingers and stomped offstage to thunderous boos.</p><p>“Doctor Joe… you <strong>ARE</strong> the father!”</p><p>The crowd let out a mighty cheer.  Seska’s mouth hung open.  The doctor looked like he’d just seen Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster walk in.</p><p>Doctor Joe squeaked, “Me?”</p><p>The host shrugged and said, “DNA tests don’t lie, Doc.  You of all people should know that.”</p><p>Seska stared incredulously at the host. “You mean I’m stuck with <em>this</em> lamewad?!?”</p><p>The doctor huffed, “I beg your pardon!”</p><p>Tuvok turned to Doctor Joe, shook his head, and said, “Dude, I told you not to stick your dick in crazy!”</p><p>“Well, that’s all the time we have for today.  I want to thank all my guests today, and especially my live studio audience!  Until next time, America!”</p><p>The end credits rolled over Seska and Joe’s disappointed faces.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There are two things to learn from this fic:</p><p>1.	Tom is actually correct!  Blue eyes are a recessive gene, and since Tom and Seska both have blue eyes, any child of theirs would also have blue eyes.<br/>2.	Stay away from Jack Daniel’s when writing fanfiction. ;)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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